“Last week we talked about the image of God… and that God did not create us like the animals, but He made us in His own Image… If you were not with us, please check out that sermon…
The first thing we need to see is that ignoring conflict is not true peacemaking, and doesn’t resolve issues…
- When, out of fear, we avoid conflict and appease people, we are not truly making peace…
- True conflict resolution loves God, and others, and themselves enough to disrupt false peace and unresolved issues…
It’s so easy because of a million different past hurts for us to develop bad habits, to be defensive, reactive, and controlled by fear when it comes to relationships and conflict…
- This is not God’s desire… God desires openness, empathy, and to truly be vulnerable with one another… this is one reason why accountability is an easy word to say, but a hard thing to live out…
- We cannot have truly healthy relationships if we don’t handle conflict in healthy ways…
Matthew 7:1-6
“Condemn not, that you be not Condemned. For with what Condemnation you Condemn, you will be Condemned; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you.”
It’s so easy to be quick and rash, harsh and ungracious in how we look at others…To be fault finding… and seek public inquisitions…
Those who self-righteously judge, and seek to condemn others because of the pride in their own heart, will find themselves humbled when judgment comes back on them… That’s the point of this verse…
- The balance is that this is not making the judgments of God concerning our eternity simply a mirror of how we’ve judged others… in other words… if I’m soft on others God will be soft on me… it’s not the point…
We do need to be able to speak into each other’s lives… Nathan’s confrontation of David… (2 Samuel 12/ Psalm 51)
The heart of these verses is not that we cannot discern right from wrong… being made in God’s Image gives us this privilege… we are moral beings… and being moral beings means it’s necessary for us to know right and wrong…
- But that God is the ultimate judge, it’s His place to condemn and punish, when we try to take His place in that role, we miss it…
The big picture here is, we need to check the condition of our own hearts, remove some logs… and not condemn rashly… the second step is prayerfully discerning the condition of the hearer’s heart…
Matthew 18:1-22 (15-22)
The condition of our heart needs to be humble, we need to have childlike faith, we need to remove from our lives things that would cause others to stumble, and deal radically with sin, and finally God is calling us to pursue the lost…
- Doing these things are removing the planks from our own eyes, and preparing our hearts to be ready to walk through conflict in a Christlike way…
V15 – “if your brother sins against you” … first we have to ask ourselves, in this context, who is our brother… (this is not the same question, “who is your neighbor” …)
- We cannot place the expectations of a believer on a non-believer… if they sin against you, that’s what sinners do (I get that believers do the same thing…) … this doesn’t excuse the action, it changes the approach… they are the lost sheep we are pursuing…
- The perspective shifts… it’s not about how much they have wronged me… it’s about how much they need Jesus…
- This is why the context matters so much of this verse… Only a heart humbly pursuing Christ is able to look beyond our own offenses, and love our “enemy”…
But if they are a brother, go to them in private, go to them humbly, pray through, and honestly talk about what’s going on… Not with an eye to be right, but with a heart the desires to restore broken relationship… “If he hears you, you have gained your brother” … in other words, the brotherly bond is restored…
Some practical things about these conversations:
- Ask God for help, and to be present… ask God to clear the noise from your mind, that you can hear well enough to see from their perspective…
- As you speak… talk about your own feelings and thoughts… don’t assume on others… be brief, and don’t repeat yourself unless you need to give clarity…
- As you listen… truly listen, don’t just wait for your turn to speak… put your agenda on hold… either paraphrase or repeat their words back to them so you make sure you’re on the same page… make sure they’re done speaking before you share again…
Be respectful in your conversation…
Respect is not a feeling, it’s how we treat each other… respect their right to:
- space and privacy…
- be different/ preferences…
- disagree…
- be heard…
- be taken seriously…
- be given the benefit of the doubt…
- be told the truth…
- be imperfect and make mistakes…
- be treated kindly/ no hurtful words…
If they will not hear that, take one or two mature Spirit lead believers with you, and pursue them… and entreat them…
Go to church leadership after that… Again with the desire to restore relationship…
- Not to bring a judge, jury, and executioner to the fight… the hope is but if they won’t listen to you, or the others, maybe they will listen to the leadership of the church…
Many times it’s tempting to skip ahead to this step in the process because it takes so much courage to have those conversations on your own…
- It is also tempting, to talk to just about everybody else but the person we’re having conflict with… this doesn’t mean it’s bad to seek wisdom from godly friends, but it should only be done for that purpose…
- When we skip steps in this process, we go against the desire of God… and we don’t allow the God given process of dealing with conflict a chance to work…
If they still will not listen then we “let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector”… this doesn’t mean we give up on them…
- Only our expectations and perspective shifts… they are the lost sheep, they need to come back to Jesus… It usually never gets beyond the first step…
If we allow this to be the process by which we deal with conflict God will be with us…
- “where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them” … this verse has always been about church discipline, and restoration… not about a Sunday morning where everyone went on vacation…
In all of this… independent of the outcome whether restored, or the relationship remains broken… we are not to hold grudges, but to forgive…
- Just as Jesus doesn’t hold grudges against us… but in grace forgives us… Forgive them even before you have a conversation with them… Only done through the grace of God within us…
God is calling us to restore what can be restored, and be graciously patient toward those that are not yet restored…
If we walk well in conflict, it will bring glory to God… it will bind our hearts closer together… it will take what the enemy meant for our destruction, and turn it into something that empowers us to greater strength…”